Culture Shock Isn’t Just Cultural

What 20 Years of Working With Expats Has Taught Me

When I first moved to the Netherlands almost thirty years ago, I didnt even know what culture shock was... I thought it would be bloody easy to adapt. Just a new language. A bit different food. Different habits. Different jokes. Different ways of doing everyday life.

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What I didn’t expect was the more subtle experience that came later — the feeling that somehow I wasn’t quite myself anymore.

At the time I couldn’t explain it very well. Life was working on the surface. I was functioning, adapting, learning. Yet internally something felt different.

Years later, after more than twenty years working as a therapist with expats adjusting to life abroad, I’ve come to understand that experience much more clearly.

What many people call culture shock is actually something deeper than cultural adjustment.

It’s an identity shift.

The Moment When People Start Saying “I Don’t Feel Like Myself”

In therapy sessions with expats, there is a sentence I have heard many times over the years.

"I don’t really feel like myself here."

They laugh when they say it.

But underneath that sentence is an experience of disorientation.

My expat clients were confident, capable, and socially comfortable in their home countries. Yet after moving abroad, something about their sense of self feels altered.

Not lost, but changed.

And that experience is deeply unsettling.

What Happens to Identity When You Move Abroad

In your home country, much of your identity is supported automatically by your environment.

You understand the humor. You know the social rules. You instinctively understand what is expected in conversations, at work, and in relationships.

You don’t have to think about it.

When you move abroad, many of those automatic cues disappear.

Suddenly, even simple interactions require more attention.

You might pause before speaking to consider whether something will sound too direct or too indirect.

You might feel less articulate in another language.

You might hesitate in situations where you would normally feel confident.

Over time, this can lead to an unexpected internal question:

Who am I in this environment?

That question sits at the heart of expat culture shock, and it’s rarely talked about.

The Emotional Side of Culture Shock

Most relocation guides describe culture shock as a practical adjustment period.

But after years of listening to expats describe their experience of living abroad, I’ve learned that the emotional side is often more significant.

Culture shock can show up as:

Unexpected self-doubt. Mental fatigue. Irritability. A sense of being slightly out of place.

Sometimes people worry that something is wrong with them when these feelings appear.

But in reality, they are a natural response to living in an environment where many familiar reference points have shifted.

Your brain is constantly processing new information.

Your nervous system is adapting to unfamiliar patterns.

That requires energy.

Looking Back at My Own Experience

When I reflect on my own arrival in the Netherlands thirty years ago, I can now see that I was going through this process as well.

At the time I interpreted my uncertainty as personal weakness. I thought perhaps I simply needed to try harder to integrate or adjust. I ended up in a depression in the first year after arrival. Hopeless and isolated.

Now I understand that I was experiencing something very common among expats.

Living abroad temporarily removes the invisible structures that support your identity.

Until new structures form, it’s normal to feel slightly unanchored.

What Many Expats Discover Over Time

One of the most interesting things I’ve observed over the years, both personally and through my work with clients, is that this period of disorientation often leads to something unexpected.

Growth.

When you live between cultures, you begin to question assumptions you once took for granted.

You start asking deeper questions:

What values truly matter to me?

What parts of my identity do I want to keep?

What kind of life do I want to build here?

In this way, culture shock is not just an obstacle.

It can become a catalyst for self-awareness.

Many expats eventually develop a more flexible and intentional sense of identity precisely because they have lived between cultures.

A Different Way to Think About Culture Shock

After twenty years of working with expats — and almost three decades of living abroad myself — I’ve come to see culture shock less as a problem and more as a transition.

It’s the psychological space between two identities:

The person you were in your home cultureandthe person you are becoming in your life abroad.

That transition can feel uncomfortable at times.

But it’s also part of the deeper transformation that living abroad often brings.

And understanding that can make the experience feel a little less confusing — and a little more meaningful.