The Loss of Attraction: What I See Again and Again in Couples, Especially When Living Abroad

There is a moment in the room that I never quite get used to.

One partner says, often quietly, sometimes almost apologetically:“I love you… but I’m not attracted to you anymore.”

And you can feel the shift immediately.

The other person goes still. Or their eyes fill. There is so much pain. They try to stay composed and reasonable while something much deeper is happening underneath.

After 20 years sitting with couples, many of them living abroad, far from home, I can tell you this:

This sentence is almost never the beginning of the end.

But it is the sign that something in the relationship has changed in a way neither of them fully understands yet.

It’s Rarely About “You”

Couples often come in thinking attraction is something fixed. Either it’s there or it isn’t. And if it disappears, someone must be at fault.

But that’s not really how it works.

What I see, again and again, is that attraction follows the dynamic between two people.

Something shifts. Gradually, quietly. And then one day, one of them notices:“I don’t feel the same anymore.”

Not because the other person suddenly became unattractive.

But because the space between them changed.

The Things That Slowly Change That Space

It’s rarely one big event. More often, it’s a series of small shifts that go unnoticed until the feeling is gone.

You stop meeting as two people

At the beginning, there is curiosity. You look at each other, you wonder about each other.

Over time, life takes over.

You become:

• partners in logistics

• support in each others loneliness

• perhaps co-parents

• each others parents, best friends, therapists

• people managing a household

  
  

And somewhere along the way, you stop seeing each other.

Attraction needs a bit of distance, a bit of not-knowing. When everything becomes predictable, something goes flat.

One reaches, the other pulls away

This is probably the most common pattern I see.

One partner feels the distance and tries to close it:

• more talking

• more checking in

• more effort

  
  

The other starts to feel overwhelmed, or pressured, and steps back.

And then it becomes a loop.

The more one reaches, the more the other withdraws. And in that dynamic, attraction doesn’t really stand a chance.

Because nobody feels freely desired.

Someone loses themselves a bit

Sometimes one partner adapts more—especially in long relationships. They become easier, more accommodating, less demanding.

On the surface, it looks like things should improve.

But often the opposite happens.

Because what disappears is not conflict—but aliveness.And without that, attraction quietly fades.

Things that were never said start to matter

Unspoken disappointments have a way of staying in the body.

Not always as big anger. Sometimes just as irritation, or distance, or a lack of warmth.

And over time, it becomes difficult to feel drawn to someone you’re carrying unresolved feelings towards.

And Then They Move Abroad

Now, add a relocation on top of everything.

This is where I see couples get really confused, because they think:

“We were fine before. What happened to us?”

But moving countries is not a small thing for a relationship. It changes everything.

One of you changes more than the other

Often one partner lands more easily:

• finds work

• builds a routine

• feels competent

  
  

The other struggles:

• with language

• with identity

• with feeling like themselves

  
  

And suddenly, the balance shifts.

The relationship can start to feel uneven in a way that wasn’t there before.

And attraction is very sensitive to that kind of shift.

The relationship has to carry too much

Back home, there are other people:friends, family, familiar places.

Abroad, the relationship becomes the main source of support.

Which sounds romantic, but in reality, it’s a lot of pressure.

There is less space. Less breathing room. And without space, desire often disappears.

Stress takes over

Paperwork, uncertainty, financial pressure, cultural differences…

Many couples live in a kind of low-level stress for quite a long time after moving.

And when the system is in that state, attraction is usually not what survives.

Not because it’s gone forever. But because there’s simply no space for it.

So What Do I Tell Couples who fear the loss of attraction?

Usually, there’s a moment where they look at me and ask:

“Can this come back?”

And I understand the question behind the question.

“Are we over?”

What I tell them is this:

Attraction can come back. I’ve seen it many times.

But not by trying harder to feel it. And not by trying to be more attractive.

It comes back when the dynamic between them shifts.

When:

• pressure reduces

• curiosity returns

• both people feel like themselves again

• and they start to meet each other, not just live alongside each other

  
  

A Different Way of Looking at It

Sometimes I think this moment—the loss of attraction—is not the end of something.

It’s the point where the relationship, as it was, stops working.

Especially for couples living abroad, it often asks something quite deep:

Who are you now, in this new life? And can you find each other again from that place?

Not as the people you were before. But as the people you are becoming.

Because attraction is not something you either have or don’t have.

It’s something that moves.

And if you understand what affects it, there is often more possibility there than it first seems.